Autism and Friendship: Why We give our whole heart and often get hurt

WHEN FRIENDSHIP ISN’T QUITE MUTUAL

Friendship is meant to be a safe space, a place where we share, connect, feel seen and supported. For autistic people however, friendships can be both deeply rewarding and profoundly painful. We often give our whole entire hearts, seeking deep meaningful connection, only to find out, sometimes even years later, that the other person never reciprocated the same level of authenticity or level of friendship that we were offering.

Understanding why this happens involves exploring our purpose for social connection, communication differences, personal needs and the types of friendship we value.

Why deep friendship matters

Many autistic people are drawn to soulful connections that provide emotional nourishment, intellectual stimulation, deep understanding, trust, consistency and belonging. Surface level connections, networking, hierarchies or large social groups, even if we share some common interests or laughter, do not usually meet these needs.

We don’t tend to seek connection for status or gain, and we cannot fake being nice to people we don’t like. Unfortunately, we often find out too late that other people do not have the same motives for friendship, which can leave us open to feeling very used and confused when the truth reveals itself.

Communication styles

Autistic people communicate differently. Have you ever been called passionate or expressive when talking, but you actually don’t feel particularly strongly about the topic at all. Or maybe someone shared a story with you, but when you shared a similar story, they got mad and accused you of making it all about you.

Friendship between neurotypical and neurodivergent people come with different styles of communication that can easily be misunderstood. Taking one of the above examples, when a neurotypical person shares a story, they usually expect the other person to listen quietly and validate their feelings. Instead, neurodivergent people usually show empathy by sharing an experience from their own life.

The intention is not to turn the conversation back to them or to compete in any way, its purpose is to say, “I understand you, I’ve felt something like this before too, you are not alone”. It’s an invitation for the other person to continue to share more about their own experience and how they felt and to bond over shared emotions and experiences.

Unfortunately, this is often taken the wrong way causing frustration on both sides. Neither way is wrong or right, the goal is not to conform to a method that does not fulfil you naturally, but to understand that everyone has different communication styles and to show curiosity for the other person’s intentions rather than to make incorrect assumptions.

Making plans

Another common difference in autistic friendships shows up when making plans. Neurotypical friends may be comfortable with loose arrangements like “let’s hang out sometime next week“. For many autistic people though that lack of clarity can create stress rather than excitement. We often feel at ease when we have exact details such as the day, time, place, who else is going to be there and what we might need to bring.

It’s not about being controlling or demanding, it’s about having the information we need to feel safe and prepared and it can make a huge difference in whether we feel able to participate in those plans and enjoy the time together or feel overwhelmed, stressed and anxious.

Emotional abuse

Autistic people are especially vulnerable to emotional abuse in friendships because many of us are wired to give others the benefit of doubt and to assume positive intent. We often extend deep empathy and unconditional regard, even when the other’s persons behaviour is harmful or untrustworthy.

When conflict arises, instead of questioning the treatment we’re receiving, it’s common to accept the blame, believe that we are the problem or to suppress our needs to keep the peace. Sometimes, we over-extend ourselves thinking we are being kind, not understanding that our kindness can be taken advantage of.

The key is in identifying consistent relationship patterns, and whether the other person reciprocates a similar level of care and support over time. We also need to learn to trust our intuitive feelings and advocate for our needs to be met by setting boundaries with confidence. Healthy, respectful and mutual friendships will accept all parts of you and not blame, minimise or invalidate your experiences and perspective.

Deep rewarding connection

Autistic friendships may not always follow the ‘social norm’ but the depth, honesty, loyalty and love can be profoundly enriching when friendship is built on mutual respect, trust and understanding. Autistic people often bond together but even in mixed neurotype dynamics, when our needs are honoured instead of being judged it allows for a beautiful space to co-create and experience the joy of authentic connection.

Want help navigating your own friendships dynamics or neurotype? Counselling sessions are available Australia-wide.