Why Anxious Attachment Keeps us Stuck in Unhealthy Relationships

Is love hurting you?

Anxious attachment is a relational style developed in childhood by experiencing inconsistent emotional attunement from caregivers. Sometimes you received love and attention, other times it was unavailable, making safety feel unpredictable. This creates hypervigilance where the child has to constantly scan for signs of their caregiver’s mood and behaviour changes.

In adulthood, this hypervigilance doesn’t just disappear, it can translate to being overly accommodating in close relationships. You may struggle with self-worth, asserting needs, or feeling wrong, unlovable or invisible. A deep fear of abandonment leads to behaviours aimed at gaining excessive reassurance, constant contact, external validation and emotional dependence on others.

Why this keeps you stuck in unhealthy relationships?

The fear of abandonment is strong. And when I say strong, I mean it can feel like death. Sounds dramatic right? Well, it certainly doesn’t help us as adults, but as children it made sense. Early human survival is dependent on being attached, so learning to stay connected at any cost was a useful survival tactic. Your nervous system was wired to associate closeness, even chaotic, painful closeness with safety.

The problem is, prioritising staying connected at any cost, means we ignore red flags, justify poor behaviour, tolerate emotional abuse and escape into fantasy and hope to stay in the illusion of who we want them to be. Which also means we abandon ourselves and our own needs in the relationship, slowly but steadily dissolving ourselves into existing purely for their benefit.

Why can’t you just leave?

It’s not easy, leaving can feel impossible. Sometimes we become trauma bonded to the cycle of over giving and over justifying in the hope that one day it will pay off and they will change. This feeling is reinforced through the same childhood pattern of not knowing when love will be received or taken away. Intermittent reinforcement keeps us chemically hooked waiting for the next moment of connection, studies have shown this feeling is as addictive as gambling or substance abuse.

Abandonment is the greatest fear of anxious attachment. Because we fear it so deeply ourselves, the thought of inflicting that pain onto someone else is equally excruciating. This can make leaving unbearable, it can feel easier to live with an unhealthy relationship rather than risk feeling like you caused this pain in others.

The good news is…

Attachment styles are fluid and can be changed at any time in your life, with conscious awareness and repeated practice. Learning how to regulate your emotions and navigate your nervous system responses within safe relationships, helps you build new patterns of relating.

Healing begins when you realise that safety doesn’t come from staying connected to them, it comes from reconnecting with yourself.

Need help working through your anxious attachment patterns? Book a counselling session below