Blindsiding Breakups: Coping with the pain of being discarded
HEAL YOUR HEART
A blindsiding ending, often called a discard, refers to the abrupt ending of a close or important relationship, often in a cold, dismissive or unemotional manner with little to no explanation or warning.
They often occur in romantic partnerships but also commonly happen in close friendships, family relationships, social or community groups and workplace relationships, otherwise known as professional ghosting.
Discard vs healthy breakup?
Although all endings and breakups are difficult, discards are marked by surprise, confusion, lack of empathy, lack of communication and violation of trust.
What makes these endings so painful is because they are disempowering, they strip away any chance for mutual understanding and remove your voice and perspective from the process. It also removes any opportunity for resolution or even the chance to say a respectful goodbye.
Often, the person who inflicts this type of breakup gave no clues beforehand. They may have maintained that they love you, made plans in the future with you and told you everything was fine, right up to the point where they abruptly ended the relationship, adding to the confusion and shock.
A betrayal of trust
Being blindsided is a severe betrayal of trust which shatters reality making it hard to understand. Our experience of the person we thought they were, and the safety we thought we had built together, does not match the cold, emotionless way we were discarded in the end. This causes cognitive dissonance where our reality is distorted, we find it extremely difficult to reconcile what happened because nothing about it makes sense, it keeps our brains stuck in fight or flight mode scanning for danger and it can even trigger relational PTSD.
Being discarded creates deep emotional wounds that ruptures our core attachment system, it is common to experience profound shock, deep distress, lengthy rumination, feelings of shame and difficulty in gaining closure.
A hard truth
While blindsiding endings are painful, they also reveal the truth. They expose relationships that lacked maturity, reciprocity, authenticity and respect, which are all necessary for true connection. Emotionally available people do not discard; it is the hallmark of a trauma response of someone with deep attachment wounds and not a reflection of your worth or value.
Over time the pain can become a catalyst for growth, teaching us to prioritise our own needs, learn where we abandon ourselves in relationships and value those who show up for us consistently and communicate honestly.
THE SEVEN STAGES OF HEALING
The healing journey looks different for everyone, how long it takes, and the exact process is determined by many things such as your own unique relational history, past experiences and internal resources, it can take anywhere from a few months to a few years. There are some common stages that people cycle through to gain closure, healing and personal growth.
Stage 1 - Acceptance
When it first happens, many people feel like they are in crisis, feelings of intense shock, disbelief, denial, anger and confusion are very normal reactions. Acknowledging that this chapter has ended is not easy, but acceptance allows you to draw a line in the sand so you can take the focus off them and start to place the focus back on yourself.
Stage 2 - Honour your feelings
Give yourself permission to feel the full spectrum of your emotions. Sadness, anger, confusion, relief, resentment or grief, just allow each to surface and feel where it lies in your body. The tightness in your chest, the discomfort in your stomach, the ache in your heart, the fogginess in your head, the tension in your shoulders, allow your body to release and express what it’s holding. The key here is balance. Feel your feelings at specified times of the day, don’t sit in them all day every day, take breaks and distract yourself when needed.
Stage 3 - Use your resources
Identify your strengths, skills and support network. This is about recognising that healing is not a solitary journey, it's about reaching out and allowing yourself to lean on others, whether that's trusted friends, family or professional support. It’s also about acknowledging your own inner strengths and resilience, the qualities that have carried you though challenges before, which help create your foundation of stability and empowerment.
Stage 4 - Shift perspective (Reframe & Reflect)
Take an honest look at your own patterns and behaviours and challenge any unhelpful narratives that keep you stuck in rumination or mental loops. By reflecting on your own past actions, decisions and emotional responses, you can begin to uncover the underlying beliefs and conditioning that shaped them. Begin to shift perspective by reframing your experience into an opportunity to break free from old cycles and learn to consciously choose healthier more empowering narratives that support your continued healing.
Stage 5 - Learn and integrate
A pivotal part of healing is actively developing skills such as emotional regulation techniques, mindfulness, breathing exercises, somatic processing and self-care rituals. It is also about practicing new skills such as setting healthy boundaries and direct communication within safe and supportive relationships. Integration goes beyond learning; it’s about making these behaviours a consistent part of your life, moving you from survival mode to empowerment.
Stage 6 - Envision your new future
Shift your focus from what was lost to what is now possible. After breaking old patterns and integrating healthier habits, it’s time to consciously design the life you want. This means getting clear on your values, beliefs, desires and experiences that your future self wants to embody. It’s sometimes hard to accept but if we over focus on others and don't have enough preoccupation or creativity within our own life, it can lead us back into unhealthy relationships. Dream beyond the past, healing isn't just about moving on, it’s about moving forward with intention, purpose and hope.
Stage 7 - Take aligned action
The final step is to embody the lessons you've learnt and the changes you've made to get you to this point and take real time action to align with your new values and envisioned future. It means no longer reacting to past wounds with emotional charge but with self-awareness and confidence. Healing isn't just about reflection but movement, each small step you take leads you towards a life that enables fulfilment and peace. With your new transformation, you can open your heart once more to new love and connection and follow your dreams and passions with confidence and purpose.
If you would like deeper support to navigate the aftermath of a discard or understand your own attachment patterns, counselling sessions are available.Receive useful insights straight to your inbox by subscribing to my newsletter below, I'd love to stay connected.