Trauma Bonds - Why They Don’t All Look The Same

THE MANY FACES OF TRAUMA BONDING

What is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a powerful emotional and psychological connection to another person that forms through repeated cycles of connection and harm. It often happens when someone is caring or supportive at times, but also hurtful, dismissive, invalidating or abusive. This confusing pattern keeps you hooked, longing for the ‘good moments’ while enduring pain, shame or instability.

Not just physical abuse

Trauma bonds aren’t just about physical abuse; they can also be purely emotional or psychological. They can show up in romantic relationships, friendships, families and even professional dynamics. Sometimes they feel like intense loyalty or love, but underneath they’re rooted in unmet childhood needs and attachment wounds.

Not all trauma bonds are the same, some are obvious, others more subtle, sometimes several types of trauma bond can overlap in the same relationship. But essentially, trauma bonds all share one thing, a limiting cycle that keeps you stuck, confused and doubting your worth.

Why are they so strong?

Trauma bonds are fuelled by intermittent reinforcement through cycles of connection and betrayal, where moments of care, closeness or vulnerability are interwoven with manipulation, neglect, fear or harm. This creates a powerful brain reaction causing internal conflict that reinforces loyalty, dependency or idealisation, despite ongoing emotional distress. We become subconsciously hooked on trying to heal our relational wounds received in childhood, through someone who reenacts the same familiar patterns.

Types and layers of trauma bonding

Trauma bonds are not a one size fits all dynamic, they exist on a spectrum and are often layered and complicated, varying based on the particular power imbalances, attachment styles, co-dependency, and enmeshment patterns specific to the two people involved in the bond.

Officially, there is still only one classic style of trauma bond the abuser - victim dynamic. However, in therapeutic and trauma-informed spaces, practitioners have observed for years that versions of trauma bonding happen in other relational patterns, expanding the original understanding.

Abuser - Victim

The official presentation of trauma bonding is formed through cycles of physical, emotional and psychological abuse, where there are significant power imbalances with the victim becoming attached to their abuser. Often seen in domestic violence, highly narcissistic dynamics, child abuse, cult or high control dynamics, trafficking, exploitation and coercive relationships.

Covert Emotional

An emotional trauma bond formed through chronic invalidation, emotional neglect, subtle gaslighting, minimising, blame shifting and passive-aggressive control. Often there is no overt or physical abuse, making it harder to recognise and receive support. Can develop in emotionally immature or covertly narcissistic relationships, family dynamics and friendships. Very often (but not always) occurs in female relationships such as between mother and daughter, sisters, close female friendships and lesbian partnerships.

Anxious - Avoidant Attachment

A push-pull dynamic between someone who craves emotional closeness and someone who fears it, creating emotional highs and lows that mimic love but stem from unresolved childhood attachment wounds. One partner seeks reassurance whilst the other shuts down and withdraws, creating emotional unpredictability and a cycle of emotional distress. Often seen in romantic partnerships, situationships, and close friendships.

Rescuer - Victim (Codependent Bond)

A bond where one person feels responsible for saving or healing the other, involving emotional over giving, excessive empathy, enabling and self-abandonment by prioritising the needs of the other person above their own wellbeing. One person over functions in the role of caretaker and the other functions in the role of the wounded, helpless victim. Often seen in romantic relationships, sibling partnerships, parentified child dynamics and very often involves addiction of some sort. Not all co-dependency leads to trauma bonding, but all rescuer - victim trauma bonds involve co-dependency. The distinction is in the manipulation and guilt tripping the victim projects onto the rescuer to keep them connected, creating an intense cycle of crisis-rescue-relief-collapse.

How to break the cycle?

The first step is awareness and acceptance that you may be trauma bonded, you may need professional help to understand your own patterns, access support and to name the relationship for what it is. Healing requires an interruption to the cycle, which means reducing or eliminating contact if safe to do so. Depending on the severity of the bond it may not be possible to leave without first building some level of safety and security within yourself and your environment, in which case professional support is advised.

Need support? I offer counselling for covert emotional, anxious avoidant and high functioning co-dependent relational patterns.

*Please note I do not offer crisis support or domestic violence counselling