Why Avoidant Attachment makes us run from Healthy Relationships?
When intimacy feels dangerous
Avoidant attachment typically forms in childhood when caregivers are consistently emotionally unavailable, dismissive and invalidating to a child’s emotional world. The child learns that expressing vulnerability leads to loss of connection, by being ignored, criticised, or shamed. Over time this builds a pattern of self-reliance, emotional distancing and suppression of emotional needs.
How this affects us as adults?
In adulthood, it creates a value of independence over intimacy, making closeness feel uncomfortable or even threatening. When things get too close, emotional intimacy can feel suffocating, we may shut down and pull away to create distance. This can make it difficult to maintain close relationships where emotional bonding is required to sustain connection.
Why it makes us run from healthy connections?
Maintaining childhood patterns of emotional suppression feel safer than intimacy because there is safety in familiarity, at least we know what to expect right? When someone shows up with consistency, emotional availability or genuine care, it can trigger beliefs that it is dangerous and will lead to manipulation, control, loss of autonomy or overwhelm. Simply put, it’s hard to believe it’s true.
When conflict doesn’t feel safe?
If we were never modelled healthy conflict in childhood, any disagreement, argument or frustration meant something bad and that we were wrong. In reality conflict is a natural and healthy part of authentic connection when it is handled compassionately, which actually leads to deeper trust and emotional intimacy, not away from it.
Where it gets confusing?
Our nervous systems create powerful responses to our childhood patterns which can make us want to withdraw and leave the relationship when we are triggered, instead of entering into conflict. These responses can often look like hyper focusing on the other persons flaws to justify disconnection or fantasising about being single or moving away. Unless we learn to differentiate the triggers from real feelings, we can genuinely believe that a simple disagreement means the relationship is doomed.
But what if they are just not right for me?
Sure, sometimes the person is simply not right for you, and there are genuine incompatibilities or other reasons why you do not want to continue the relationship. So how do you know? This is where counselling can help to uncover your patterns, triggers and behaviours to bring deeper self-awareness and clarity to those questions. But to answer in simplified terms, if it feels urgent, overwhelming, irrational or engulfing it is most likely an attachment response.
Potential attachment responses
Examples include pulling away after moments of closeness, vulnerability, perceived criticism or commitment. Focusing on the other persons flaws or idealising an ex, fantasy partner or being single. Wanting to end things after a simple disagreement or misunderstanding or during moments of conflict.
Potential genuine misalignment
Examples include having non-negotiable future goals or values which are incompatible, such as differences in wanting children, where to live, lifestyle or political or religious views. Lack of respect or compassion for mutual growth and authenticity. A mismatch in intellectual, physical or emotional connection that feels consistently difficult over time, rather than an infrequent or an accepted difference that both people are willing to work on to understand together.
How to heal?
Healing attachment wounds can take time so give yourself grace and accept that the journey is not supposed to be perfect. When two people care enough to want to understand the other persons perspective and consistently show up for each other with love and curiosity, it is absolutely possible to change relational patterns and build strong, secure connections with others.
Want to talk more about your attachment patterns and relational style? Counselling sessions are available below.