Toxic Relationships & Trauma Bonds

WHEN RELATIONSHIPS BECOME A POWER GAME

We’ve all heard the saying ‘love is blind’ but for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional households, love isn’t just blind, it’s confused. The very behaviours that should alarm us end up feeling normal and strangely comforting. If we were never modelled healthy behaviours in childhood, we will be attracted to the same traits in others when we are adults. Toxic patterns can end up feeling magnetic, pulling us in with their familiarity and intensity.

How childhood shapes our view of love

Our first lessons in love don’t come from romantic partners, they come from our families. If you grew up with a critical parent, a caregiver with a victim complex or in a home with little emotional affection, your nervous system adapted to those dynamics. You may have learnt that harsh words mean love, that you are always at fault or that emotions are weak and needy.

These attachment wounds don’t just vanish when we grow up, instead they become the blueprint for how we navigate close relationships and interpret closeness, love and intimacy.

Why toxic feels safe

The human brain craves familiarity, even when it is painful. If chaos, abuse, control, criticism, silent treatment or neglect were ‘normal’ in your family you may find that a partner’s jealously feels like proof they care, or that drama and volatility feel thrilling and exciting whereas safe consistent love feels boring or even repulsive.

It’s this familiarity that makes it easy for us to romanticise unhealthy dynamics and justify harmful behaviours. We can truly believe that shouting and aggression means they are ‘just’ passionate and that they care, or that inconsistent affection and chronic invalidation means that it’s our fault and we need to prove our love.

When our nervous system is wired to maintain connection at ‘any’ cost, the cost is to ignore and minimise our own needs and safety to stay connected.

This can sometimes lead us into becoming trauma bonded to the relationship dynamic.

What is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a powerful emotional and psychological connection to another person that forms through repeated cycles of connection and harm. It often happens when someone is caring or supportive at times, but also hurtful, dismissive, invalidating or abusive at other times. This confusing pattern keeps you hooked, longing for the ‘good moments’.

Not just physical abuse

Trauma bonds aren’t just about physical abuse; they can also be purely emotional or psychological. They can show up in romantic relationships, friendships, families and even professional dynamics. Sometimes they feel like intense loyalty or love, but underneath they’re rooted in unmet childhood needs and attachment wounds.

Not all trauma bonds are the same, some are obvious, others more subtle, sometimes several types of trauma bond can overlap in the same relationship. But essentially, trauma bonds all share one thing, a painful cycle that keeps you highly anxious, stuck, confused and doubting your worth.

Why are they so strong?

Trauma bonds are fuelled by intermittent reinforcement through cycles of connection and betrayal, where moments of care, closeness or vulnerability are interwoven with manipulation, neglect, fear or harm. This creates a powerful brain reaction causing internal conflict that reinforces loyalty, dependency or idealisation, despite ongoing emotional distress. We become subconsciously hooked on trying to heal our relational wounds received in childhood, through someone who reenacts the same familiar patterns.

Types and layers of trauma bonding

Trauma bonds are not a one size fits all dynamic, they exist on a spectrum and are often layered and complicated, varying based on the particular power imbalances, attachment styles, co-dependency, and enmeshment patterns specific to the two people involved in the bond.

Officially, there is still only one classic style of trauma bond the abuser - victim dynamic. However, in therapeutic and trauma-informed spaces, practitioners have observed for years that versions of trauma bonding happen in other relational patterns, expanding the original understanding.

Abuser - Victim

The official presentation of trauma bonding is formed through cycles of physical, emotional and psychological abuse, where there are significant power imbalances with the victim becoming attached to their abuser. Often seen in domestic violence, highly narcissistic dynamics, child abuse, cult or high control dynamics, trafficking, exploitation and coercive relationships.

Covert Emotional

An emotional trauma bond formed through chronic invalidation, emotional neglect, subtle gaslighting, minimising, blame shifting and passive-aggressive control. Often there is no overt or physical abuse, making it harder to recognise and receive support. Can develop in emotionally immature or covertly narcissistic relationships, family dynamics and friendships. Very often (but not always) occurs in female relationships such as between mother and daughter, sisters, close female friendships and lesbian partnerships.

Anxious - Avoidant Attachment

A push-pull dynamic between someone who craves emotional closeness and someone who fears it, creating emotional highs and lows that mimic love but stem from unresolved childhood attachment wounds. One partner seeks reassurance whilst the other shuts down and withdraws, creating emotional unpredictability and a cycle of emotional distress. Often seen in romantic partnerships, situationships, and close friendships.

Rescuer - Victim (Codependent Bond)

A bond where one person feels responsible for saving or healing the other, involving emotional over giving, excessive empathy, enabling and self-abandonment by prioritising the needs of the other person above their own wellbeing. One person over functions in the role of caretaker and the other functions in the role of the wounded, helpless victim. Often seen in romantic relationships, sibling partnerships, parentified child dynamics and very often involves addiction of some sort. Not all co-dependency leads to trauma bonding, but all rescuer - victim trauma bonds involve co-dependency. The distinction is in the manipulation and guilt tripping the victim projects onto the rescuer to keep them connected, creating an intense cycle of crisis-rescue-relief-collapse.

How to break a trauma bond

The first step is awareness and acceptance that you may be trauma bonded, you may need professional help to understand your own patterns, access support and to name the relationship for what it is. Healing requires an interruption to the cycle, which means reducing or eliminating contact if safe to do so. Depending on the severity of the bond it may not be possible to leave without first building some level of safety and security within yourself and your environment, in which case professional support is advised.

Building healthier relationships

Just like taking off ‘rose coloured glasses’, creating secure relationships first involves learning what healthy and unhealthy behaviours actually look like, and what true connection and safety really feels like.

Healing means rewiring your nervous system to create a new experience of what love, at first it may feel very uncomfortable, underwhelming and unsafe. It takes many repeated experiences over a period of time for these new learnings to become embedded in your subconscious and for you to start recognising the new familiar as something you desire and actively seek in others.

The good news

If you recognise yourself in these dynamics, the good news is you are not broken, we all have the ability to change, update and shift behavioural patterns into healthier and more fulfilling interactions. It starts with awareness and learning to deeply understand your own attachment patterns, how you show up in relationships, how you respond to other people’s behaviours and your core wounds and relational fears.

With practice over time, you will begin to shift and transform your connections, not just in romantic partnerships but friendships, family dynamics and even work relationships. Instead of feeling like you are never enough, you will create authentic relationships that enrich your life instead of draining your energy.

I hope article was useful to you, if you feel like you want deeper support to heal from a toxic relationship, rebuild self-trust or delve into your own attachment patterns and relational history, counselling sessions are available below.